I haven’t been on the scene for AGES, but I’m back.. and with a brand new Blog!
Being a writer and all it might not surprise you that I do get a bit excited about trivial things like pens and paper. I have been known to spend hours in stationary shops like Paperchase, and hours browsing websites like Ebay for Filofax bargains… a writer needs to be super-organised after all.
It probably doesn’t help that I am a Virgo either. Virgos enjoy making useless lists you see. I personally make a ‘Plan-of-Action’ to-do list most mornings. I rarely get much on the list done. Its just a weird habit.
My obsession for Filofaxes is reaching new levels though… I have now created a Blog dedicated to this obsession, which will hopefully appeal to other filofanciers and stationary addicts. No, I’m not the only filo-freak in the village!
Its actually quite fascinating to see how many seemingly normal people have the same dark secret I harbour. Girls sit on the ends of their beds making Youtube videos about their latest purchases… its all a bit bonkers. But do you know what? I want to be part of the madness. I’m a Filofancier and I’m ready to step out of the closet.
Join in the FiloFUN and start following the Blog. You don’t have to own a Filofax, or have any strange Filofax fetishes, just a curiosity to peep into the weird and wonderful world of Filofreaks will suffice…
I have a problem. It’s not a terrible problem, I can think of worse; but it’s definitely a problem for me. The problem is this… I have too many ideas.
I know, how crazy of a writer to complain about having too many ideas, right? But you don’t understand the seriousness of this situation. I have SO many ideas, and they keep coming at me. There just isn’t enough time to focus on any one idea, and so absolutely NOTHING is getting done! I can feel the stress rising inside of me as my worst fear is being realised… I am a writer who isn’t actually writing. This is a whole new kind of writers’ block.
Take this blog for example. The last post was written in May. Why? Because since May I have been bombarded by a hurricane of new ideas and projects, and this blog which was created in an attempt to have somewhere to offload, has just been abandoned and forgotten about. There is no time for me to offload because I have too many new ideas to execute!
What am I to do?
Literally speaking, I have been deaf in one ear for over a month now, so I guess it makes sense that I’m feeling slightly lob-sided, slightly incomplete. On a more personal note though, I have recently felt like I am meandering down a very cobbled road in ridiculous heels. It’s dodgy ground but its the direction I hav to go unfortunately.
Bear in mind that am a 27 year old female writer, currently unemployed and with no psycho tendencies as far as I am aware. In this dream though, I am a professional ice-skater, and I am also a man. I am performing a private rehearsal with my beautiful female skating partner in a large ice rink which is enclosed in a massive ballroom hall. I am a majestic black swan and she is an illuminant white beauty.
For some reason I have to wear goggles during the rehearsal. They distort my vision obscuring my surroundings so that they are dark and blurry. I can’t find my skating partner as I skate faster and faster, blindly in the darkness. The speed thrills me and I twirl round and round with my hands held out, quickly changing directions every few seconds because I know how dangerous it could be to collide.
I realise that it is my goggles which are causing the problem and so I remove them. It is then that I realise that my skating partner is throwing small knives at me. I am skating so fast now that it is difficult to see her, so I dip and dive blindly in an attempt to avoid the flying knives which seem to be coming from all directions.
Then one lands near me, and the next thing I know I have it in my hand and I know what I have to do. She won’t stop until she kills me, and so I throw the knife back at her and it lands loosely in her chest. She falls to the ice in shock. But seeing her still grope about weakly for another knife to throw, I approach her, panicked, and stab her again. And then once more until she isn’t moving any more, and her pure white costume is weeping red.
I sat in the laundrette last night watching my washing go round and round and round in the dryer, and it got me thinking about life; my life in particular. Actually more to the point it got me thinking about me, and in a wider sense, about people. Its funny don’t you think how we always end up back in familiar situations like we’re going nowhere really at all. I think I wanted to break the cycle, so I accidently caused a bit of a drama in a current situation in my life. But after watching the laundry go round I thought to myself – if you disturb a cycle don’t you ruin the end result? For instance, if I stopped my drying cycle before its time then my washing would still be wet. So hastily I repaired the dent in my situation and now I guess I am going with the flow and trying not to interfere.
It is difficult though, to go with the flow of a familiar situation when the original situation turned out so terribly wrong. There’s an instinct to back away from going down similar roads when you have experienced negativity at the end in the past. My personal reaction, which I am trying to adjust, is to run screaming for the hills and adopt a hardened approach to anyone being affected by my impulsive decision to run for for it. I have felt recently like I am sabotaging things because secretly I don’t want them to work, because if they are working it means I am back on that familiar path. Its a path I abandoned ages ago in favour of wandering free on my own in the wild. Now it appears I am reluctant to be reigned in.
But I suppose life doesn’t have to be an abandoned merrry-go-round, with that eery music that foretells a sinister destination to nowhere. Perhaps paths must be re-traced with different passengers on board for a more enjoyable ride. And perhaps being reigned in doesn’t necessarily have to feel like you are being restrained and attached to a cart; maybe someone potentailly special just wants to hop on your back and ride free with you into a sunset of new possibilities, and you’ll never know unless you allow yourself to be tamed to a certain extend to enable them to climb onboard.
So I am attempting not to interfere with the cycle. Sometimes Zara, it is best not to try and take control of your life like you do, because you’re not necessarily the only person in it.
Do you ever just feel like everything you have achieved so far is utterly rubbish? Its a dodgy place to be. Sometimes I am looking through all of my stuff and suddenly I think to myself – what on earth are you doing Zara? Where are you going with all of this? I’m sure I knew once, but now it all seems a bit blurry.
It is probably not the best idea to start deleting or chucking things out though, because then your apparent lack of achievement will become a reality. This morning I was in the process of doing exactly this, but luckily I stopped myself before too much damage was done. Now I am left with the unnerving knowledge of the fact that everything of mine is just sitting there online, not doing an awful lot, and in desperate need of organisation. For a virgo this thought can be consuming to say the least.
I just need to figure it all out. Or more to the point, I need to figure myself out and start focussing on fewer things. I have a horrible feeling that my creativity is being diluted by my overwhelming need to define myself. Too many projects are simply going nowhere, as usual. It is like I think I am an octupus, when really I’m just a human being with a passion for ink-related activities.
I guess I must force myself to do the unthinkable – put everything on hold, pick one realistic project, focus and complete it. Too much ambition has the opposite effect it seems.
Well, you’ll either like it or decide that I have split personality complex. All that I have been waffling on about; looking back, forwards, sideways, up, down, bla bla bla – is completely the wrong approach to life. Life is meant to be exciting and spontaneous, how is life meant to take you by surprise if you are preoccupied with looking all over the place for signs, clues, warnings? The new (and final) philosophy is to just close your eyes.
You can enjoy the way something feels without thinking about the why’s the what’s, the how’s, if’s, but’s, and’s… just trust and enjoy being lead into the unknown, dealing with whatever is thrown at you when it happens. No expectations, no reservations.
You might think it is a naive way to approach life, but isn’t it naive to think that you have any control over it whatsoever? Right here right now – that is my new philosophy! Appreciate the yesterdays and tomorrows but let your feelings be based on today.
Ah, freedom is a happy thing. I don’t think I’ll be giving up writing just yet…