Sometimes I wonder
is just sometimes.
How can one person have so many
and collisions of feelings?
How is a girl
supposed to trust her decisions
when the opposite one is screaming?
Is it any wonder
avoiding it all
is most appealing?
Don’t you wish sometimes
that you could switch it off…
that ticking brain.
And that beating heart
that beats in vain,
Sometimes so loud
that you wonder
if it just wants to get out,
wants to get away from you,
away from the stress.
Away from the whole bloody mess.
I don’t like being at crossroads,
but should confess
I wonder if I seek them out.
Because the direction I’m going
And there are some days like today,
when crossroads allow.
that comforting loop.
Brought back to my routes,
I know where cracks are,
and can skip blindly again.
Avoid tripping up,
avoid feeling pain.
But what if it isn’t just sometimes?
What if sometimes becomes more times,
and more times becomes all times?
Sometimes I wonder
if I wonder just sometimes.
I have a problem. It’s not a terrible problem, I can think of worse; but it’s definitely a problem for me. The problem is this… I have too many ideas.
I know, how crazy of a writer to complain about having too many ideas, right? But you don’t understand the seriousness of this situation. I have SO many ideas, and they keep coming at me. There just isn’t enough time to focus on any one idea, and so absolutely NOTHING is getting done! I can feel the stress rising inside of me as my worst fear is being realised… I am a writer who isn’t actually writing. This is a whole new kind of writers’ block.
Take this blog for example. The last post was written in May. Why? Because since May I have been bombarded by a hurricane of new ideas and projects, and this blog which was created in an attempt to have somewhere to offload, has just been abandoned and forgotten about. There is no time for me to offload because I have too many new ideas to execute!
What am I to do?
Literally speaking, I have been deaf in one ear for over a month now, so I guess it makes sense that I’m feeling slightly lob-sided, slightly incomplete. On a more personal note though, I have recently felt like I am meandering down a very cobbled road in ridiculous heels. It’s dodgy ground but its the direction I hav to go unfortunately.
I sat in the laundrette last night watching my washing go round and round and round in the dryer, and it got me thinking about life; my life in particular. Actually more to the point it got me thinking about me, and in a wider sense, about people. Its funny don’t you think how we always end up back in familiar situations like we’re going nowhere really at all. I think I wanted to break the cycle, so I accidently caused a bit of a drama in a current situation in my life. But after watching the laundry go round I thought to myself – if you disturb a cycle don’t you ruin the end result? For instance, if I stopped my drying cycle before its time then my washing would still be wet. So hastily I repaired the dent in my situation and now I guess I am going with the flow and trying not to interfere.
It is difficult though, to go with the flow of a familiar situation when the original situation turned out so terribly wrong. There’s an instinct to back away from going down similar roads when you have experienced negativity at the end in the past. My personal reaction, which I am trying to adjust, is to run screaming for the hills and adopt a hardened approach to anyone being affected by my impulsive decision to run for for it. I have felt recently like I am sabotaging things because secretly I don’t want them to work, because if they are working it means I am back on that familiar path. Its a path I abandoned ages ago in favour of wandering free on my own in the wild. Now it appears I am reluctant to be reigned in.
But I suppose life doesn’t have to be an abandoned merrry-go-round, with that eery music that foretells a sinister destination to nowhere. Perhaps paths must be re-traced with different passengers on board for a more enjoyable ride. And perhaps being reigned in doesn’t necessarily have to feel like you are being restrained and attached to a cart; maybe someone potentailly special just wants to hop on your back and ride free with you into a sunset of new possibilities, and you’ll never know unless you allow yourself to be tamed to a certain extend to enable them to climb onboard.
So I am attempting not to interfere with the cycle. Sometimes Zara, it is best not to try and take control of your life like you do, because you’re not necessarily the only person in it.
Do you ever just feel like everything you have achieved so far is utterly rubbish? Its a dodgy place to be. Sometimes I am looking through all of my stuff and suddenly I think to myself – what on earth are you doing Zara? Where are you going with all of this? I’m sure I knew once, but now it all seems a bit blurry.
It is probably not the best idea to start deleting or chucking things out though, because then your apparent lack of achievement will become a reality. This morning I was in the process of doing exactly this, but luckily I stopped myself before too much damage was done. Now I am left with the unnerving knowledge of the fact that everything of mine is just sitting there online, not doing an awful lot, and in desperate need of organisation. For a virgo this thought can be consuming to say the least.
I just need to figure it all out. Or more to the point, I need to figure myself out and start focussing on fewer things. I have a horrible feeling that my creativity is being diluted by my overwhelming need to define myself. Too many projects are simply going nowhere, as usual. It is like I think I am an octupus, when really I’m just a human being with a passion for ink-related activities.
I guess I must force myself to do the unthinkable – put everything on hold, pick one realistic project, focus and complete it. Too much ambition has the opposite effect it seems.
Well, you’ll either like it or decide that I have split personality complex. All that I have been waffling on about; looking back, forwards, sideways, up, down, bla bla bla – is completely the wrong approach to life. Life is meant to be exciting and spontaneous, how is life meant to take you by surprise if you are preoccupied with looking all over the place for signs, clues, warnings? The new (and final) philosophy is to just close your eyes.
You can enjoy the way something feels without thinking about the why’s the what’s, the how’s, if’s, but’s, and’s… just trust and enjoy being lead into the unknown, dealing with whatever is thrown at you when it happens. No expectations, no reservations.
You might think it is a naive way to approach life, but isn’t it naive to think that you have any control over it whatsoever? Right here right now – that is my new philosophy! Appreciate the yesterdays and tomorrows but let your feelings be based on today.
Ah, freedom is a happy thing. I don’t think I’ll be giving up writing just yet…
Everything I have said so far about never looking behind you, and then the contradicting stuff about looking back at all costs – well, scrap it all! The new rule is to develope 360 degree vision. You need to know whats going on in all directions, its absolutely crucial. Hire people to do the looking for you if you must, but just make sure that all angles are covered. I have unpleasantly discovered that tunnel vision in any direction is a recipe for disaster and collision; the kind of collision that leaves you feeling completely 2-D. It is probably also wise to to hire people to make your decisions for you when dealing with other human beings. Human beings are delicate, delicate creatures – even the men.
Ugh, I feel absolutely yuck. I am a bad, bad person. I screwed up. That’s all I am saying on the matter. Well that, and that I may decide after this post to give up writing altogether, because I write about such a load of rubbish, and none of it has any place whatsoever in any world of respectable online literature. I might even go as far to describe myself as a self-obsessed gossip. I should just go and sign myself over to The Sun and give my waffle a purpose.
When it comes to people, you should think before you act. And you may think that strangers don’t count, but they count the most, because they don’t know you, and they won’t understand your actions; they will take all so horribly personally.
I think this is an obscure attempt at admitting I was wrong. But nobody will know what I am talking about here. Which is fine by me, because the truth is just so utterly mortifying and tragic 😦
I have a new philosophy, I think you’ll like it!